Block You

When was setting up my blog there was this section, I think it was to type words to block malicious senders from your site. If it wasn’t then I am a little embarrassed, because I typed in every filthy work I could think of.  Afterwards I felt really dirty and in need of a shower.  Hopefully this effort has blocked one or two people.  I suppose an obvious word to have included is Viagra.  Why does anyone need Viagra anyway? For goodness sake get a hobby, take a walk, fly a kite…stop being so stinking one dimensional.  Become a handyman!  Maybe not my handyman, but someone’s handyman.  Run for office.  Eat green eggs and ham.  Think of all the things you are missing out on.

Maybe you could paint your house a lovely shade of pink.

 

HGTV

I have decided all the competent handymen have shows on HGTV.  I watch those shows where home miracles are performed.  I come to believe home improvement and home repairs are within my grasp. One day I realize snagging an amazing handyman is as likely as dating a Hollywood movie star. What I need to do is get on one of those shows. Is it possible that they would have a show featuring HAC guys?  The show could be called Air Conditioning Impossible.  I volunteer to be on the first episode.  Here is the drama leading up to my rescue by the larger than life HGTV celebrities with solutions to all your housing problems.

After creating questionable pathways to the crawlspace of my house.  I finally get two local heat and air guys to come over.  I took off two days to be there while the work was being done.  I am fantasizing about cool air wafting from my vents, toasty winter nights. No dice. The guys came, they said it would be super expensive, if they would even do it.  I call the company later that day hoping for some positive feedback.  I am a pariah.  An office with only 3 employees has no idea as to the whereabouts of the others.

SO in a act of desperation I call the heat and air company that I have worked with forever.  I ask where I am at on the waiting list .  They explain there have just been so many heat and air emergencies…other more desperate individuals than me that have taken precedence.  I ask, so how long have I been on the waiting list…SINCE APRIL!!!  IT IS JULY!!!!  I pretend to not be offended, that this wait is perfectly normal.  Hey, I am happy to wait, more than happy.   I patiently explain that it is pretty DARN hot here. Heck,  I could host revivals in my house, just imagine eternity in this kind of heat.  Yep, no central air in hell.  My house could be a very effective evangelical tool.  I am shocked the heat and air people show mercy on me and will have someone stop in on Tuesday evening…just to take a look.  I thank God, that somehow the disparaging remark I made about my heat and air provider were somehow not posted on  Angie’s list . Angie’s List a great way to burn bridges.  Maybe, if this last ditch effort doesn’t work out I could look for a competent arsonist on Angie’s List.  Oh, I guess that would be Craig’s List.

ENTER AMAZING HGTV HOME IMPROVEMENT CELEBRITIES EVERYTHING IS CLEVERLY RESOLVED IN 40 minutes!!!!  Life is golden again…all is right with the world.

Back to reality.  I wonder if my boss is going to stop believing next time I take off yet another day to deal with the HAC situation.  He will start looking at me like that employee that has killed off grandma numerous times.  Unemployment would definitely put a damper on my efforts to get things rolling with an HAC guy.

Maybe I will start looking forward to work, a place crawling with HAC guys.  Apparently HAC guys have no problem climbing on roofs.

*sigh*

 

BLOG $$ BLOG $$ BLOG

When I read the sales pitch for starting your own blog, I was super impressed by the potential to earn 6 figures.  Quit my job and become another Internet success story, the 21st century American dream. Sign me up, the sooner the better.

Shortly after jumping in impulsively, I realized you have to have valuable information to sell your blog.  Something like how to find a good handyman.  Forget it, never gonna happen.  Or a how-to website on how to do the stuff you will never find a handyman to do.  Or something easier like how to lose 50 lbs., marry a rich and handsome man, or win the lottery.  I got nothin’.

Obviously I can’t get rich selling my art…hence the term “starving artist”.  Maybe I could write a blog about being happy, without a handyman, rich/attractive spouse, millions in lottery winnings, and being a little on the plus size.  I could rename my blog The Happy Starving Artist, The Happy Loser, Mundane and Proud of It???

By the way…I did finally find a handyman. On Angie’s List (a 6 figure website).    He cut through two of my floor joists.  Now my floor feels jiggly. I am afraid of falling through the floor, the need to lose 50 lbs has become a urgent need.    Then he bent the crap out of my air exchange dealy (OK, maybe that is not a real word…HECK this ain’t scrabble leave me alone spell check).  Now I need another handyman to check out the work this guy did and maybe fix it.  But at least the air conditioner repair people can get under my house now.  YES that is right no central air.  The weather man is saying things on the forecast about heat dome.  You want heat dome?  Come to my house I am living under my own personal heat dome.  No central air all summer long. BUMMER  You would think the pounds would melt off, walking into my own personal sauna each evening…but no.  Just hot and plus-sized.  Several people have asked, “Have you ever thought about selling your house?”  OR maybe you should move.  Obviously, they are reality based individuals that can see finding a handyman is highly unlikely.   Apparently realtors are much more accessible.

I’ll bet realtors make 6 figures.

At least my house is a delightful shade of pink.

 

RIP Cardinals

IMG_2980

This hand towel was given to me by the cardinal killer’s owner.  I thought it was pretty ironic, considering her cats have made my yard a no-fly zone for cardinals.  Perhaps she should have embroidered RIP below the cardinal.  Maybe since I wouldn’t be seeing any live cardinals, she gave this to me in remembrance of cardinals.  Maybe there were no hand towels embellished with cats.  Maybe she kept the cat hand towels for herself.

She would probably be disappointed to see I am using the Cardinal Christmas towels in July.   Joy to the World, Peace on Earth…unless you are a cardinal.